How to Forgive Yourself for Past Mistakes

September 25, 2013 by Dr. Maya 4 Comments

7 Suggestions on how to Overcome Feelings of Regret and Guilt and to Forgive Yourself for Past Mistakes

Forgiving yourself can be much harder than forgiving someone else. After all, they don’t live in your head, reading you the same old riot act. When you’re carrying around a sense of blame for something that has happened in the past, the feelings of anger and resentment can cause a pervasive sense of unhappiness. But forgiveness is such an elusive act, quickly changing in its ability to be strongly felt one moment and then disappearing beyond reach the next.

Forgiving yourself is an important act of moving forward and releasing yourself from the past. It’s also a way of protecting your health and general well-being. All the world’s major religions preach the power of forgiveness.

However, if you are feeling this way you are not alone. Most people find the feelings of regret and guilt to be overwhelming and difficult to overcome. Holding on to past mistakes negatively affects our self-esteem and can even feel paralyzing for a person. Feeling stuck and unable to engage in productive actions is not helpful and does not serve anyone.

Here are some suggestions on how to overcome feelings of regret and guilt and to forgive yourself for past mistakes:

Accept your emotions.

Part of the struggle is often being unable to accept that you are experiencing such emotions as anger, fear, resentment, and vulnerability. Instead of trying to avoid facing these negative emotions, accept them as part of what is fueling your lack of self-forgiveness. A problem named is a problem ready to be tackled.

2. Reflect on why you’re trying to hold yourself to a higher standard than anyone else around you.

Perfectionism can cause you to hold too high a standard for your own behavior, a standard that you wouldn’t hold anyone else to; it causes you to be too hard on yourself. Try welcoming imperfection: allow yourself to accept that all human beings are imperfect, and you are human and imperfect too. Humility may be the first step to self-forgiveness.

3. Understand the importance of forgiveness.

Living in a state of being unable to forgive requires a lot of energy. You may be preoccupied by the feelings of fear, resentment and anger, living with the constancy of sadness, hurt, and blame. This energy deserves to be put to better use, so that your creativity and abilities are fed, not your negativity. Forgiveness also allows you to live in the present instead of the past, which means that you can move into the future with a renewed sense of purpose focused on change, improvement, and building of a new productive life.

4. Stop punishing yourself.

There is a frequent misunderstanding that forgiveness equates to forgetting or condoning. This misunderstanding can lead a person to feel that they need to continuously punish themselves because in the process of doing so they are not forgetting or condoning the past wrong. However, punishing yourself with self-hate does not accomplish positive results. It’s perfectly fine to say: “I am not proud of what I’ve done (or how I’ve devalued myself) but I’m moving on for the sake of my health, my well-being, and those around me.” Disproving of your past mistakes is different than feeling that you are a bad person. Disown your mistakes, not yourself.

5. Make Amends

If you need to apologize to someone or you have not done so genuinely, go ahead and do it. Apologizing to someone may involve more than just saying “Sorry.” You may have to hear them out and let them tell you how what you’ve done hurt them. Once you’ve restored that connection, the next step is to take action that would make the situation better, e.g., if you stole something, maybe you would pay that person/ organization back, etc.

6. Practice Self-Acceptance

Forgiving yourself is about targeting the specific things that you feel bad about and aspiring to change these imperfections, not about the person you are. As a forgiveness technique, self-acceptance allows you to acknowledge that you’re a good person, even though you have faults. It doesn’t mean that you ignore the faults or stop trying to improve yourself, but it does mean that you value yourself above those parts of yourself and cease to allow your shortcomings to halt your progression in life. Learn from what you’ve done in the past, but value your whole self.

Enjoy positive experiences consciously and don’t seek to downgrade them.
Be grateful for what you do have – great relationships, a home, a family, an education, abilities, interests, hobbies, pets, health, etc. Look for the good in your life.
Be self-compassionate.

7. See forgiveness as a journey, not a destination.

Human progress does not happen in a straight line, e.g., going from A to B. In order to move forward we often make two steps forward and one step backwards, making “baby steps” toward better mental health. Making a step backwards is not a set back; it is our opportunity to integrate the new progress that we’ve just accomplished. It helps to accept that forgiveness is an ongoing process and that you’ll have your up days and your down days, as with most feelings and experiences in life. You may feel that you’ve reached a point of forgiveness, only to have something happen that causes you to feel it was all a wasted effort and that you’re back to square one, angry and annoyed with yourself. The best approach is to let these feelings happen and see them as the necessary step back in our journey forward.

If you would like help with forgiving yourself for past mistakes, please call me, Dr. Maya, on (818) 809-9519 for a free 10-minute phone consultation.

Tips on coping with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

June 6, 2013 by Dr. Maya 2 Comments

1: Reach out to others for support

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can make you feel disconnected from others. You may be tempted to withdraw from social activities and your loved ones. But it’s important to stay connected to life and the people who care about you. Support from other people is vital to your recovery from PTSD, so ask your close friends and family members for their help during this tough time.

Also consider joining a support group for survivors of the same type of trauma you experienced. Support groups for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can help you feel less isolated and alone. They also provide invaluable information on how to cope with symptoms and work towards recovery. If you can’t find a support group in your area, look for an online group.

2: Avoid alcohol and drugs

When you’re struggling with difficult emotions and traumatic memories, you may be tempted to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs. But while alcohol or drugs may temporarily make you feel better, they make post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) worse in the long run. Substance use worsens many symptoms of PTSD, including emotional numbing, social isolation, anger, and depression. It also interferes with treatment and can add to problems at home and in your relationships.

3: Challenge your sense of helplessness

Overcoming your sense of helplessness is key to overcoming post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Trauma leaves you feeling powerless and vulnerable. It’s important to remind yourself that you have strengths and coping skills that can get you through tough times.

4: Spend time in nature

Research suggests that pursuing outdoor activities like hiking, camping, mountain biking, rock climbing, whitewater rafting, and skiing may help people cope with PTSD symptoms and transition back into civilian life.

The relaxation, seclusion, and peace that come with being in the natural world provide the soothing experience for people with PTSD. Focusing on strenuous outdoor activities can also help challenge your sense of helplessness and help your nervous system become “unstuck” and move on from the traumatic event.

5: Individual Therapy

Therapy is the most effective way to overcome symptoms of PTSD. Rather than avoiding the trauma and any reminder of it, therapy will encourage you to recall and process the emotions and sensations you felt during the original event and to see these memories from a different perspective. In addition to offering an outlet for emotions, therapy for PTSD will also help restore your sense of control, increase self-esteem and reduce the powerful hold the memory of the trauma has on your life.

In treatment for PTSD, you will:

Explore your thoughts and feelings about the trauma
Work through feelings of guilt, self-blame, and mistrust
Learn how to cope with and control intrusive memories
Address problems PTSD has caused in your life relationships

Eye Movement Desensitization Therapy (EMDR) is known to be one of the most effective ways to resolve PTSD symptoms. EMDR involves the combination of cognitive therapy with the bilateral stimulation of the brain. This treatment allows the brain to “unfreeze” the brain’s information processing system, which is interrupted in times of extreme stress. Dr. Elyashkevich received extensive training and certification in EMDR.

If you would like help with overcoming symptoms of PTSD, please call me, Dr. Maya, on (818) 809-9519 for a free 10-minute phone consultation.

Filed Under: Anxiety Tips, PTSD Tagged With: anxiety, coping with depressive thoughts, coping with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, dealing with panic, PTSD, trauma

What is PTSD?

June 6, 2013 by Dr. Maya Leave a Comment

What is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can develop following a traumatic event that threatens your safety or makes you feel helpless. The event(s) may involve actual or threatened death or serious injury or threat to the physical integrity of self or others. The person experiences intense fear, helplessness or horror.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect those who personally experience the catastrophe, those who witness it, and those who pick up the pieces afterwards, including emergency workers and law enforcement officers. It can even occur in the friends or family members of those who went through the actual trauma.

PTSD develops differently from person to person. While the symptoms of PTSD most commonly develop in the hours or days following the traumatic event, it can sometimes take weeks, months, or even years before they appear.

Traumatic events that can lead to PTSD include:

War Natural disasters Car or plane crashes Terrorist attacks Sudden death of a loved one	Rape Kidnapping Assault Sexual or physical abuse Childhood neglect

The difference between PTSD and a normal response to trauma:

The traumatic events that lead to post-traumatic stress disorder are usually so overwhelming and frightening that they would upset anyone. Following a traumatic event, almost everyone experiences at least some of the symptoms of PTSD. It’s very common to have bad dreams, feel fearful, and find it difficult to stop thinking about what happened. These are normal reactions to abnormal events.

For most people, however, these symptoms are short-lived. They may last for several days or weeks, but they gradually disappear. But if you have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), the symptoms don’t decrease. The symptoms persist for over one month.

While everyone experiences PTSD differently, there are three main types of symptoms:

Re-experiencing the traumatic event
Avoiding reminders of the trauma
Increased anxiety and emotional arousal

Symptoms of PTSD: Re-experiencing the traumatic event:

Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event
Flashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again)
Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)
Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma
Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating)

Symptoms of PTSD: Avoidance and numbing:

Avoiding activities, places, thoughts, or feelings that remind you of the trauma
Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
Loss of interest in activities and life in general
Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb
Sense of a limited future (you don’t expect to live a normal life span, get married, have a career)

Symptoms of PTSD: Increased anxiety and emotional arousal:

Difficulty falling or staying asleep
Irritability or outbursts of anger
Difficulty concentrating
Hypervigilance (on constant “red alert”)
Feeling jumpy and easily startled

What is a Panic Attack? 10 Tips for Overcoming Panic

May 2, 2013 by Dr. Maya 4 Comments

Panic Attacks typically begin suddenly and without warning. They can strike at almost any time — when you’re driving the car, at the movie theater, sound asleep or in the middle of a business meeting.

Panic attacks have many variations, but symptoms usually peak within 10 minutes. You may feel fatigued and worn out after a panic attack subsides.

Symptoms of a Panic Attack typically include:

Irregular heartbeat
Dizziness and lightheadedness
Shortness of breath
Choking sensations and nausea
Shaking and sweating
Fatigue and weakness
Chest pain and heartburn
Muscle spasms
Hot flashes or sudden chills
Tingling sensations in your extremities
A fear that you’re going crazy
A fear that you might die or be seriously ill

One of the worst things about panic attacks is the intense fear that you’ll have another one. You may fear having a panic attack so much that you avoid situations where they may occur. You may even feel unable to leave your home (agoraphobia) because no place feels safe.

Visits to the emergency room and desperate late night phone calls to doctors often result, as do test results that often reveal nothing. If you’ve ever had a panic attack, you can probably empathize with the frustration and hopelessness of not knowing exactly what happened. To start feeling in control of your anxiety, make an appointment with your doctor and get a full physical exam. This will help you focus your approach, as you’ll find out for certain that you’re coping with panic attacks and not some other illness. A clean bill of health can also help alleviate irrational fears of dying and doom, which can surface during a panic attack.

When you are in the grip of an anxiety attack it can feel as though there is no relief, that you are being crippled by your disorder and your control over the situation is spiraling away. It does not have to be this way, with these simple tips on how to stop anxiety attacks you can regain control over your disorder simply and effectively. The regular use of this approach will go a long way towards your goal of overcoming panic attacks.

10 Tips for Overcoming a Panic Attack

1. Acknowledge and Accept

Acknowledge that at this moment you are afraid, but not in danger. Feeling that you are in danger is just another symptom of a panic attack, but it’s not real. Then, accept the fear you are experiencing without trying to fight it or resist it. The more one resists the panic, the worst it gets. Remind yourself, that you are already experiencing the worst it will be; you just have to ride it out.

2. Talk to Yourself

Firmly tell yourself that your symptoms are nothing more than an over-sensitized nervous system. They are temporary feelings and are not medically harmful or dangerous.

3. Learn to Control your Breathing

When we are anxious, our breathing becomes quick and shallow. When we are relaxed, we breathe slowly and deeply. As the panic kicks in, hyperventilation is triggered and the shallow, quick breaths are likely to increase the feelings of anxiety. The key is to concentrate on regulating your breathing into deep, slow breaths because not only is it more beneficial for oxygen intake and calming you; it means you are no longer focusing on the panic. Learn the deep breathing (diaphragmatic breathing) technique: inhale though your nose, hold the breath to the count of 3 and then slowly exhale though your mouth.

4. Stop Running

If you panic in a supermarket and flee the scene, then your panic response will conclude that the supermarket holds life-threatening danger because you ran away from it. It Your mind will try to be ‘more helpful’ by spreading the fear to perhaps all supermarkets or even all situations that have lots of people in them, are dangerous, which could increase the avoidance response.

If you panic but stay in the situation until you calm down, your panic response will learn that it’s not the situation causing the panic. The more ‘normal’ you act, the more your mind gets the message that the panic is not needed.

5. Destruct yourself with a Mentally Challenging Task

During times when panic is really required (a hungry, fractious lion coming right at you), the thinking part of the brain becomes much less active. This happens because we need to become purely physical – to flight or to fight.

But if you purposefully start counting backwards from one hundred in jumps of three – ‘100, 97, 94, 91…etc.’ – you force your thinking brain to work, which actually dilutes the panic response. Making yourself do a crossword puzzle, play a game on your phone or read the paper – all force your ‘thinking brain’ to work, which, again, sends the message: “This is not a real emergency; no panic is needed!”

6. Change your Lifestyle

Engage in regular physical exercise – this helps to burn off excessive adrenaline. Avoid cigarettes and alcohol. Eat regular meals and avoid processed foods and drinks, to keep blood sugar levels stable.

7. Focus outside of yourself during an attack.

Listen to some music or do a pleasurable task while waiting for the panic to subside. Going for a walk could provide a change of scenery and a feeling that you are doing something to help yourself be in control.

8. Reduce your Exposure to Unnecessary Stress.

Learn how to express your needs to others and assert yourself. Learn to delegate tasks and manage your time. Please see more strategies on how to reduce stress in my blog, 12 Success Strategies for Managing Stress and Living a Happier Life.

9. Don’t bottle up your emotions.

Find someone to confide in, such as a family member, friend or a counselor. Being able to express your feelings and have Supportive Relationships will help reduce panic attacks.

10. Laugh.

Watch some funny videos on YouTube. Laughter and anxiety cannot live in the same moment together!

If you would like help with anxiety or panic attacks, please call me, Dr. Maya, on (818) 809-9519 for a free 10-minute phone consultation.

photo credit: Funky64

Filed Under: Anxiety Tips Tagged With: anxiety attacks, dealing with panic, panic attacks, panic disorder

7 Coping Strategies for Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts

February 21, 2013 by Dr. Maya 7 Comments

Are you dealing with obsessive thoughts?

According to experts, obsessions are normal thoughts experienced with increased frequency. Struggling with obsessive thoughts does not mean your lack moral character or that you are crazy. Anxiety stimulates obsessions: we obsess because we hope to solve our problems by thinking about the same thing over and over. However, obsessive thinking does not help problem solving. In fact, the opposite occurs: we become stuck in our thinking and feeling, which makes it difficult to move forward.

When we recognize that anxiety is the root cause of obsessions, we can understand that real healing from obsessions comes through reducing anxiety. Here are some helpful tips.

1. Make a list

Make a list of all your obsessive thoughts. Then write down what type of things trigger each, and what you do after.

2. The 3 Second Rule

Allow yourself 3 seconds to think about the obsessive item, and then purposefully redirect your attention to something more positive: a feeling, a happy memory, a pleasant vacation, or a kind word.

3. Learn how to Relax

Say the word “relax” softly in your head and take a deep breath. Tell yourself “You’re going to be okay.” Do a relaxation exercise (positive visualization, deep breathing, yoga pose.)

4. Learn to Live in the Present

Redirect your attention from thoughts to actual experience. What is real today? What do you need to accomplish, what are your daily tasks (e.g., work, taking care of your child, cleaning, chores etc.)

5. Use Distractions

Many people reported that distracting themselves with other activities helped them to stop obsessing.

Read a novel, watch movie, play a video game on your computer or phone, go for a walk, work out at a gym.

6. Thought Stopping

When you notice yourself obsessing, tell yourself “STOP” in your head and then move on to another activity. This is different than trying not to think about an obsession – which only makes the obsession stronger. Rather it is interrupting the obsessive process. We cannot keep ourselves from having obsessive thoughts, but we can refuse to “dwell” on them; we can immediately try and think about other more positive things

7. Practice Mindfulness

Imagine you are on a moving train, looking out of the window and watching your thoughts passing by, as if it was scenery, without judgment. Just let these thoughts pass you by with you observing, as if these thoughts are not yours.

You observe, but are not involved. The scenery you are watching on the train glide in and out of view and you remain detached and relaxed.

This is a meditation technique that encourages detachment from the contents of your mind. ‘Watching’ obsessive thoughts in your mind from a relaxed ‘distance’ is very different from being in the middle of those thoughts and feeling totally identified with them. The more detached you become from the thoughts, the less you try to fight them.

If you would like some more help with overcoming obsessive thoughts, anxiety or depression, please call me, Dr. Maya, on (818) 809-9519 for a free 10-minute phone consultation.

photo credit: cellar_door_films

Filed Under: Anxiety Tips, Overcoming Depression